This is a gem of a song, called Aubrey.
Enjoy. Don't cry. Think of her as you hear the bittersweet melody, as you read the lyrics.
Okay? Don't cry like me, the crybaby.
:') I miss her so.
And Aubrey was her name,
A not so very ordinary girl or name.
But who's to blame?
For a love that wouldn't bloom
For the hearts that never played in tune.
Like a lovely melody that everyone can sing,
Take away the words that rhyme; it doesnt mean a thing.
And Aubrey was her name.
We tripped the light and danced together to the moon,
But where was June?
No it never came around:
If it did it never made a sound.
Maybe I was absent or was listening too fast,
Catching all the words, but then the meaning going past.
But God I miss the girl.
And I'd go a thousand times around the world just to be
Closer to her than to me.
And Aubrey was her name,
I never knew her, but I loved her just the same
I loved her name.
Wish that I had found the way
And the reasons that would make her stay.
I have learned to lead a life apart from all the rest.
If I can't have the one I want, I'll do without the best.
But how I miss the girl
And I'd go a million times around the world just to say
She had been mine for a day.
Aubrey - Bread/Joanna Wang
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
"Now who the hell is Momo?"
I dunno. But I like it that way. :D Mystery is appealing to some extent.
xxx
I'm here to say thank you if you have read my super long post below. *POINT*
:) now you understand. If only part of it.
And I'm sorry, I was updating to release what raced around in my mind; I was getting dizzy. I didn't think people'd read............
Especially Shiva and Alia and Momo. :3 thank you, for supporting me :D
I feel wonderful tonight. :D
Yes, Eric Clapton is playing.
XD
Thank you to Leanne, Hema, Wei Xuan and Ashraf. But I believe I've mentioned them before. :D
xxx
I told him that I like him, but I don't think he heard.
:D it's my first time; I've finally completed a serious crush! :D Yayyy :D besides, it's not like he's gonna give her up and let her down for someone he probably won't see again (me).
OHOHOHO. You've been Rick-rolled. :D hahahhahahaha.
I love Rick Astley's song.
xxx
Autumn in New York by Billie Holiday and Misty sung by Ella Fitzgerald has been playing in my head the WHOLE night. Looking forward to my dreams tonight :)
And also looking forward to my English paper on Monday. Hahahah call me nerd, I tak kisah (don't care). :D
xxx
I'm here to say thank you if you have read my super long post below. *POINT*
:) now you understand. If only part of it.
And I'm sorry, I was updating to release what raced around in my mind; I was getting dizzy. I didn't think people'd read............
Especially Shiva and Alia and Momo. :3 thank you, for supporting me :D
I feel wonderful tonight. :D
Yes, Eric Clapton is playing.
XD
Thank you to Leanne, Hema, Wei Xuan and Ashraf. But I believe I've mentioned them before. :D
xxx
I told him that I like him, but I don't think he heard.
:D it's my first time; I've finally completed a serious crush! :D Yayyy :D besides, it's not like he's gonna give her up and let her down for someone he probably won't see again (me).
OHOHOHO. You've been Rick-rolled. :D hahahhahahaha.
I love Rick Astley's song.
xxx
Autumn in New York by Billie Holiday and Misty sung by Ella Fitzgerald has been playing in my head the WHOLE night. Looking forward to my dreams tonight :)
And also looking forward to my English paper on Monday. Hahahah call me nerd, I tak kisah (don't care). :D
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Mask
It plays such a part in our lives now. It's not just that white, sterile and clinically (yet unknowingly) cruel piece of synthetic material we cover our mouths and noses with to avoid the threats from the outside world. It's also the people front that you put on to be artificially sociable when at the back, only God knows what happens. It's the one we wear, at times, to conceal what's within. It's the one that cracks at the sight of a smile, or the sight of a friend. It's also the one natural defence mechanism human nature has to mask the pain and sadness deep in our hearts. Right?
Right. I've seen it in action so many times.
Like tonight.
I know it's unhealthy for me and my mental health. But I've always had this part of me that is always detached. Detached, aloof and looking into my life like a third party observer from outside my life in the glasshouse. I know everything about it, and yet I don't feel it. Confusing, I know. It just happens sometimes.
So I know that I can handle it, and look on this part of my life later in life and smile at how much she has taught me. To handle life, the bad and the good. To handle goodbyes, when sometimes you just have a nasty feeling that it could be the last. To live the sad slice-of-life books that crowd the racks at the bookstore, and show me that you know, these people are real and full of real and tangible emotion. The other side of the book. The human face of it.
I got the news last night, and the tears just came. It pricked my eyes, and one rolled down my cheek as my dad read the message. It tore me up inside, vicious and sudden.
I grabbed a roll of tissue paper, and then isolated myself from everyone else. The cat seemed to sense it and stayed beside me for a while, swiping at my fingers with the occasional bite. I didn't cry in front of her, but when she left I closed the door and finally they came full force. It was the best cry I have had in ages. My nose didn't clog up, and I could feel my sobs actually shake my whole body, wracking it. Going up my spine, and making me suck in that hard intake of breath, of precious oxygen and the scent of my bolster.
I demanded to visit Chandni today. Yes. Demanded.
My dad and sisters and I went to spend some time at the local mall for a while, and we met Aunty Audrey. By the time it was 7.30, my dad, Mandy and Aunty Audrey were still talking. And you know what? I just got so pissed at that very moment. I clenched my fists and kept slapping my legs nervously, because I heard 8 was the end of the visiting hours. I don't know what came over me at that instant; it just came and possessed me.
But I know it had to be something revealing and important, so I waited until they finished before my dad called us to go home since I wanted to visit her.
I was a nervous wreck. When we got home, I opened the door and slammed it then ran up to the lift. I ran to the house. I ran to wash my face and change my whole-day top into something clean and comfy. I ran to get RM10.50 to buy a RM10 reload from the minimarket downstairs, grabbed my white mask that had "CLEAN" branded at the bottom and the house keys. I ran to the minimarket. I got in the car, but I didn't pant. Amazing.
The trip to the hospital was in one word, eye-opening. Everything said and done during the trip will be forever kept in my heart.
When I got to the hospital, I immediately noticed the people's faces, some young and some old, most of them returning home for dinner and pushing the memory of being there as far away as they can and just enjoy good health and good food with their loved ones. The helplessness etched there on their faces pulled me down a bit. The thick grey of bleakness started swirling its way down my soul, staining my eyes and movement. It's a sure sign that you've been there; I think it's the eyes. The expression there is undeniable.
I walked through the familiar white arched tunnel with strangely comforting but stark white flourescent light lighting the way. My white mask on, I blended with the crowd. I walked close to Pa, and he accompanied me and commented sarcasticly on the Secret Recipe that just opened. Delifrance closed down and apparently, sold out.
I got to the Pediatric Oncology floor and slowly I turned to check the board with the patients' names on it to reassure myself that she was still in. I "directed" Pa to wash his hand with the sterilizing foam that required you to step on this pump for the substance to foam out. Then we used the disinfectant, that familiar scent on my fingers, as once again I stepped into her ward. What I saw was not what I expected. I expected a sleeping Chandni, with tiredness laced around her eyes and evident in her sluggish movements.
What greeted me was someone so small and determined to get air into her lungs with the help of an oxygen mask and a colourful neckrest to aid her posture. I hesitated a bit at the door when her mom ushered me in. It was completely unexpected. She had an expression that was so single-mindedly concentrated on breathing in and out, in and out. The heartbeat monitor beeped in tandem with her heartbeat that I couldn't hear but was able to see, as her laboured breathing and hard heartbeat was visible with every breath; her body moved up and down almost exaggeratedly. While all this raced in my head, I was aware that finally, I was alone with her.
Which is something I try to avoid; I listen well, but I leave talking to the company.
In and out.
In and out.
"Hi Chandni," I said casually. "How are you feeling today?"
In and out.
In and out.
"I'm just," she started, "feeling a little breathless."
What a brave mask she's put on. What a front. Like a warrior focused on the battle and nothing else.
I started racking my brain for jokes, to distract her. Stories of people in school that seemed unimportant became extremely crucial to lift the heavy silence. I don't really know about the stuff between people in school, so I just told her about stuff that I overheard or was about the close friends in the Laughing Gas Group of Form 2 and 3.
For everything I said, she breathed heavily in and out and summoned every ounce of it in her to comment, or make a sound. Comments came out in strings of three, with a small gasp in between if she wanted to say more. I watched her, alert of everything that changed; her expression, her eyebrows that furrowed whenever she felt uncomfortable, the slight movement of her mouth and chin when her mask slips down, and the unnoticeable quirk of the corner of her mouth whenever she found something funny. The slight break of sweat on her forehead, the complete immobility of the rest of her body, the way her eyelashes kept getting into her eyes, the way her eyes don't completely close and allow me to see the small sliver of white as she drifts in and out of painkiller-induced unconsciousness. Wake up, Chandni, I'm saying something. Wake up.
And she does.
I tried to babble, but it ran out of steam quick. I kept quiet and watched her uncle adjust her mask frequently as it kept slipping down. Whenever it was adjusted, Chandni would complain about how it didn't rest properly. So after the second time, I tried to adjust it when I noticed her moving her chin to lift the mask. The metal clip on the bridge, the plastic moulding to her high nose and the obvious need of comfort of something that fits properly onto your face. I adjusted it, and her eyebrows instantly unfurrowed at the proper mask angle. I felt so proud that I could comfort her, even just a little at this stage. She kept asking people to wipe her face and the mask to get rid of the vapour she exhales. I didn't trust myself to do that. So when the mask was replaced and again the thing wasn't put properly, Chandni turned to me and said, "Alex can you do.. what you do with the mask?"
I felt extremely touched. I nearly cried, but I didn't.
I adjusted it, and the unfurrowing of her eyebrows was incredible.
Sometimes, I just knew what she was gonna say in her actions and said it out loud for her. Sometimes, we'd say it at the same time. The unexpected unison caught me off-guard when the mask was adjusted a bit low, and both of us said "Higher".
I talked about school, the new headmistress, the emergence of Gedik Girls, my crush, our friends, the tentative, sore but newly healed rift between a friend and I, just to keep her mind off things for the moment. Eyes closed, she heard everything.
I noticed an eyelash in her right eye and as I was on her right, I proceeded to remove it and mention that she could make a wish. I kept the eyelash and held on strongly, pressing my fingers together too tightly to keep it there, till I lost feeling and had to change hands.
I kept her company till 9.15, when this mysterious Chinese lady who didn't speak, didn't shake hands and had an enigmatic smile came to see Chandni.
I held one of Chandni's famous long eyelashes in my two fingers all the way home and proceeded to stick it on my diary when I got home. Silly I know. But it's to remind me of her, other than the fragrance of the disinfectant that only stays on for a while.
Somebody, pray find me and pull me out.
I know I must make peace, but the urgency in her voice calling out for help when she couldn't cough phlegm out is just too obvious.
I know that I must come to terms with the horrible fact that treatment has ceased so she can fight back on her own.
I know that her time is not that long anymore.
I know that however hard it may be, I have to face it.
But my heart is still breaking.
Right. I've seen it in action so many times.
Like tonight.
I know it's unhealthy for me and my mental health. But I've always had this part of me that is always detached. Detached, aloof and looking into my life like a third party observer from outside my life in the glasshouse. I know everything about it, and yet I don't feel it. Confusing, I know. It just happens sometimes.
So I know that I can handle it, and look on this part of my life later in life and smile at how much she has taught me. To handle life, the bad and the good. To handle goodbyes, when sometimes you just have a nasty feeling that it could be the last. To live the sad slice-of-life books that crowd the racks at the bookstore, and show me that you know, these people are real and full of real and tangible emotion. The other side of the book. The human face of it.
I got the news last night, and the tears just came. It pricked my eyes, and one rolled down my cheek as my dad read the message. It tore me up inside, vicious and sudden.
I grabbed a roll of tissue paper, and then isolated myself from everyone else. The cat seemed to sense it and stayed beside me for a while, swiping at my fingers with the occasional bite. I didn't cry in front of her, but when she left I closed the door and finally they came full force. It was the best cry I have had in ages. My nose didn't clog up, and I could feel my sobs actually shake my whole body, wracking it. Going up my spine, and making me suck in that hard intake of breath, of precious oxygen and the scent of my bolster.
I demanded to visit Chandni today. Yes. Demanded.
My dad and sisters and I went to spend some time at the local mall for a while, and we met Aunty Audrey. By the time it was 7.30, my dad, Mandy and Aunty Audrey were still talking. And you know what? I just got so pissed at that very moment. I clenched my fists and kept slapping my legs nervously, because I heard 8 was the end of the visiting hours. I don't know what came over me at that instant; it just came and possessed me.
But I know it had to be something revealing and important, so I waited until they finished before my dad called us to go home since I wanted to visit her.
I was a nervous wreck. When we got home, I opened the door and slammed it then ran up to the lift. I ran to the house. I ran to wash my face and change my whole-day top into something clean and comfy. I ran to get RM10.50 to buy a RM10 reload from the minimarket downstairs, grabbed my white mask that had "CLEAN" branded at the bottom and the house keys. I ran to the minimarket. I got in the car, but I didn't pant. Amazing.
The trip to the hospital was in one word, eye-opening. Everything said and done during the trip will be forever kept in my heart.
When I got to the hospital, I immediately noticed the people's faces, some young and some old, most of them returning home for dinner and pushing the memory of being there as far away as they can and just enjoy good health and good food with their loved ones. The helplessness etched there on their faces pulled me down a bit. The thick grey of bleakness started swirling its way down my soul, staining my eyes and movement. It's a sure sign that you've been there; I think it's the eyes. The expression there is undeniable.
I walked through the familiar white arched tunnel with strangely comforting but stark white flourescent light lighting the way. My white mask on, I blended with the crowd. I walked close to Pa, and he accompanied me and commented sarcasticly on the Secret Recipe that just opened. Delifrance closed down and apparently, sold out.
I got to the Pediatric Oncology floor and slowly I turned to check the board with the patients' names on it to reassure myself that she was still in. I "directed" Pa to wash his hand with the sterilizing foam that required you to step on this pump for the substance to foam out. Then we used the disinfectant, that familiar scent on my fingers, as once again I stepped into her ward. What I saw was not what I expected. I expected a sleeping Chandni, with tiredness laced around her eyes and evident in her sluggish movements.
What greeted me was someone so small and determined to get air into her lungs with the help of an oxygen mask and a colourful neckrest to aid her posture. I hesitated a bit at the door when her mom ushered me in. It was completely unexpected. She had an expression that was so single-mindedly concentrated on breathing in and out, in and out. The heartbeat monitor beeped in tandem with her heartbeat that I couldn't hear but was able to see, as her laboured breathing and hard heartbeat was visible with every breath; her body moved up and down almost exaggeratedly. While all this raced in my head, I was aware that finally, I was alone with her.
Which is something I try to avoid; I listen well, but I leave talking to the company.
In and out.
In and out.
"Hi Chandni," I said casually. "How are you feeling today?"
In and out.
In and out.
"I'm just," she started, "feeling a little breathless."
What a brave mask she's put on. What a front. Like a warrior focused on the battle and nothing else.
I started racking my brain for jokes, to distract her. Stories of people in school that seemed unimportant became extremely crucial to lift the heavy silence. I don't really know about the stuff between people in school, so I just told her about stuff that I overheard or was about the close friends in the Laughing Gas Group of Form 2 and 3.
For everything I said, she breathed heavily in and out and summoned every ounce of it in her to comment, or make a sound. Comments came out in strings of three, with a small gasp in between if she wanted to say more. I watched her, alert of everything that changed; her expression, her eyebrows that furrowed whenever she felt uncomfortable, the slight movement of her mouth and chin when her mask slips down, and the unnoticeable quirk of the corner of her mouth whenever she found something funny. The slight break of sweat on her forehead, the complete immobility of the rest of her body, the way her eyelashes kept getting into her eyes, the way her eyes don't completely close and allow me to see the small sliver of white as she drifts in and out of painkiller-induced unconsciousness. Wake up, Chandni, I'm saying something. Wake up.
And she does.
I tried to babble, but it ran out of steam quick. I kept quiet and watched her uncle adjust her mask frequently as it kept slipping down. Whenever it was adjusted, Chandni would complain about how it didn't rest properly. So after the second time, I tried to adjust it when I noticed her moving her chin to lift the mask. The metal clip on the bridge, the plastic moulding to her high nose and the obvious need of comfort of something that fits properly onto your face. I adjusted it, and her eyebrows instantly unfurrowed at the proper mask angle. I felt so proud that I could comfort her, even just a little at this stage. She kept asking people to wipe her face and the mask to get rid of the vapour she exhales. I didn't trust myself to do that. So when the mask was replaced and again the thing wasn't put properly, Chandni turned to me and said, "Alex can you do.. what you do with the mask?"
I felt extremely touched. I nearly cried, but I didn't.
I adjusted it, and the unfurrowing of her eyebrows was incredible.
Sometimes, I just knew what she was gonna say in her actions and said it out loud for her. Sometimes, we'd say it at the same time. The unexpected unison caught me off-guard when the mask was adjusted a bit low, and both of us said "Higher".
I talked about school, the new headmistress, the emergence of Gedik Girls, my crush, our friends, the tentative, sore but newly healed rift between a friend and I, just to keep her mind off things for the moment. Eyes closed, she heard everything.
I noticed an eyelash in her right eye and as I was on her right, I proceeded to remove it and mention that she could make a wish. I kept the eyelash and held on strongly, pressing my fingers together too tightly to keep it there, till I lost feeling and had to change hands.
I kept her company till 9.15, when this mysterious Chinese lady who didn't speak, didn't shake hands and had an enigmatic smile came to see Chandni.
I held one of Chandni's famous long eyelashes in my two fingers all the way home and proceeded to stick it on my diary when I got home. Silly I know. But it's to remind me of her, other than the fragrance of the disinfectant that only stays on for a while.
Somebody, pray find me and pull me out.
I know I must make peace, but the urgency in her voice calling out for help when she couldn't cough phlegm out is just too obvious.
I know that I must come to terms with the horrible fact that treatment has ceased so she can fight back on her own.
I know that her time is not that long anymore.
I know that however hard it may be, I have to face it.
But my heart is still breaking.
Happy 40th Anniversary and Happy Birthday!
Yes it's Sesame Street's 40th anniversary today!! :D hahahahahah.
Apparently to commemorate it, there was a new episode of Sesame Street that had Big Bird saying he has to move away from his habitat on Sesame Street to some random rainforest. At the end, he realizes that Sesame Street IS home after all, and stays.
Yayyyyy. :)
xxx
Happy birthday fatfat and Shiva Narrthine!
You guys are amazing. :) have a great and fantastic year.
xxx
I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
You know this could be something
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing
So maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one
I remember every look upon your face,
The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste
You make it hard for breathing (I like "hard to breathe in" better :D)
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing
And maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one
Yeah, yeah
I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
Maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking
Oooh I can't live without you
'Cause baby two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And I've figured out with all that's said and done
Two, is better than one
Two is better than one.
Two Is Better Than One - Boys Like Girls
I find this song incredibly romantic. It's the beat, it's the melding of voices of the boy and the girl. It's the last chorus, it's the verses. It's in the honesty of feelings from both parts and how it's so clear to the third party, but only just made clear to the other person. It's the clarity of the last line, sung together.
It's amazing. :D
And then I found out that it is part of the New Moon OST, and I can't wait to see how it'll be used. :) maybe like Iron and Wine's song, Flightless Bird, American Mouth? Ahh I can't wait :D
Apparently to commemorate it, there was a new episode of Sesame Street that had Big Bird saying he has to move away from his habitat on Sesame Street to some random rainforest. At the end, he realizes that Sesame Street IS home after all, and stays.
Yayyyyy. :)
xxx
Happy birthday fatfat and Shiva Narrthine!
You guys are amazing. :) have a great and fantastic year.
xxx
I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
You know this could be something
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing
So maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one
I remember every look upon your face,
The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste
You make it hard for breathing (I like "hard to breathe in" better :D)
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing
And maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one
Yeah, yeah
I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
Maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking
Oooh I can't live without you
'Cause baby two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And I've figured out with all that's said and done
Two, is better than one
Two is better than one.
Two Is Better Than One - Boys Like Girls
I find this song incredibly romantic. It's the beat, it's the melding of voices of the boy and the girl. It's the last chorus, it's the verses. It's in the honesty of feelings from both parts and how it's so clear to the third party, but only just made clear to the other person. It's the clarity of the last line, sung together.
It's amazing. :D
And then I found out that it is part of the New Moon OST, and I can't wait to see how it'll be used. :) maybe like Iron and Wine's song, Flightless Bird, American Mouth? Ahh I can't wait :D
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