it's getting lonelier.

Number 1 : loneliness.
It was weird, having something hit me in the face like that today.
I miss having someone to talk to about anything.
I miss her.
I miss Wye Zhi.
I miss the way things used to be.
Funny, everything's just drifting apart.
(I wouldn't change Leanne for the world though :) thanks you DARLING THING. Hahahaha)
Today I sat for my theory exam. No one knows.
I figured the world doesn't need to know.
Yet now you do. I just... I just keep contradicting myself, what the heck.
I want someone to know, I want to tell someone everything stupid in my world and then get serious about stuff, I want so much and then I hold back. Story of the stupid masochist.
(tehehhhh masochistic lion. xD ANYWAY.)
It was weird seeing people in the foreign and strangely quiet whitewashed classroom in SMK Bandar Utama Damansara 3. They were so much younger than me, I felt like I was the oldest in the class! It was like time passed me by. I wouldn't have it any other way.
After that I had Literature class with Pn Yong in school. Hema wasn't there, and suddenly I felt lost. I've been feeling like this a lot lately. I'm never fully there anymore, lost in my own thoughts. Except Sundays. I love Sundays. I still have lingering feelings for Monday.
I just.. drift away and think.
(I'm sorry.)
After that, I had a break of 3 hours before I had a 3-hour tuition for Physics and Chemistry. In the tuition centre I never felt like I belonged anyway but today it was worse. Normally I'd be comforted that all these people knew me but never dared to venture further despite my small smiles. I'd feel comforted in the aloneness.
It was horrible to sit there today, separated from everyone else by this language barrier or way of thinking. I'm like a different species. A great, figging banana who dares to debate whenever she feels she could be right, only in language classes.
Huan Hee made it all go away, and made me laugh. Thank you. :)
I still feel lonely, but I know that people do care.
They're just not here at the moment.
xxx
Number 2: jealousy.
IT WAS SO WEIRD.
I was dreaming the other night, and I saw.... this dude (close to me, almost like a brother?) with his arm around this beautiful smiling girl with long black hair. They were talking so easily and laughing all the time, the perfect picture of happiness that can be found in easy conversation and a great understanding for the other. I was talking to them, having a regular conversation. He introduced her to me.
And suddenly my smiles all felt forced, I looked around at the other people around us (that I can't remember for nuts) and smiled distractedly, sipping my drink. I remember I had a drink.
There was this heat, that burned from where my heart was. It burned till it warmed my hands. I can remember this amazing, intense emotion and I was like WOW.
Then I woke up, the jealousy still fresh.
I put my hand over my chest; I was breathing shallowly for some reason.
Crap, that was amazing! It wasn't even real.